Lobster Blogster

Health Special: Lobster Struck Down by "Annoyer's Block"

2008-01-14T04:52:00.000+05:45

Lobster Blogster has been struck down by the very rare, and probably fatal condition, known as "Annoyer's Block". The symptoms are:

Unable to annoy people, despite the best of intentions

The Lobster is sitting here, surrounded by cards and flowers sent by well-wishers, but still there is not an annoying thought in sight. An over-whelming sense of calm, and even good feeling has befallen the Lobster, and he finds himself simply unable to get the necessary attack juices flowing. Apologies to my hundreds of regular readers who are missing their daily dose of aquatic fun.

It's even more amazing that the Lobster has been so afflicted, when you consider the number of easy targets which are out there at the moment, just waiting to have the mickey taken out of them. No not sitting ducks like Peter Hain, mortally wounded and just hoping that the final blow is a clean one, nor even George Osbourne, whose undeclared donations are so large he could retire on the interest.

Consider perhaps Liberal Democrat Leader Nick Clegg who has vowed to "break the two-party system" in UK politics for good. What happens is his policy is more successful than he dreams of, and we end up with not three party politics, but four or even five? That way, the Lib Dems could be heading down the list, not up. Careful what you wish for, Mr Clegg, it might come true. Then there's the ever charming Mr Dale, who recently held a Masterclass in Debating for Ignorant People. Top tips: Hold strong opinions, but don't say why; Quote your opposition's position, but don't include a link (then no one will know if they really said it, or you just made it up); Get your facts wrong, be grumpy about being corrected, then misquote the correction to overstate your own case (sorry Daley, Worstall says there's a carbon cost to running a nuclear power station, not just building one).

But perhaps the easiest target out there just at moment is the lovely Watford Borough Council Planning and Development Department. Despite the Audit Commission heaping on praise the " Council is successfully investing in infrastructure - for example a cycle map, ...", the Planning Department have managed to create a cycle map of the town with a series of concentric rings centred on the Town Hall, marked as miles, but in fact covering distances of kilometres. The planners have hit on the idea that best way to respond to such a cock-up is to pretend it didn't happen. The map is still freely available on the web, and the matter will be tackled at the next "map review" meeting, although there is no review scheduled, and no actual format for such a review in any case.

If only the Lobster had not been completely debilitated by this infernal Annoyer's Block, he would be able to bring these stories as usual. Hopefully the Lobster will be back to full fitness in the near future, and back knocking the silly people who need to come down a peg or two. We will bring you further news as soon as we have it.

Internet's Biggest Liar: UPDATE

2007-12-18T14:35:00.000+05:45

Lobster Blogster's recent claim that Paul Staines is the Internet's biggest liar was well received by the recently formed Liberal Conspiracy. Probably Staines himself, who can never resist boosting his own self-image, was secretly pleased by the superlative too.

However Staines now seems to be fashioning himself as an Irish Supremacist, with this curious post centred around a book title. Conveniently over-looking the fact that St Patrick was an English missionary, Staines alludes to the notion that only the Irish can save Europe from "the bureaucrats". Staines was first tarred by the racist brush back in May 1996, when he tried to form a link between his branch of the Federation of Conservative Students and the British National Party.

You can read the original Guardian article in full here. Contrary to any assertion by Staines or his bogus publishing company, the article was never withdrawn by the paper, and is freely available at the British Library Newspapers Collection in Collingdale.

Festive Greetings!
Blogging is likely to be a bit light here at Lobster Blogster what with various Winterval events coming up, and even a wedding in Bath. Do tune back in the New Year, or maybe the Spring Equinox if you want to read about more wacky goings on at Watford Borough Council, or even further afield. If you want to get in touch before then, you can always try "mipela lawyerman", but do allow for local tides. Adios amigos!

Master Forger at Work

2007-12-18T04:26:00.000+05:45

The UK government is not having a good time of it at the moment, with respect to IT cock-ups galore. What with losing 25 million child benefit records, three year's worth of driving test records and a lamentable health service records scheme which is years behind schedule.

Now, years ahead of the proposed ID cards scheme, Lobster Blogster can exclusively reveal that home-made ID cards as being forged at kitchen tables up and down the land. Incredibly, even biometric photo-ID cards are being created, using "scissors and glue" technology.

Pictured are two examples. On the left, clearly displaying the biometric (bloodgroup) information "O Rh Positive" and a special code, W06645870, which is known to exist in a secure and confidential national database, a photo of Britain's most wanted man has been affixed using a strong glue. The resulting home-made biometric photo ID is actually entirely legal, and will pass muster at even the strictest of health service scrutineers.

A second fake home-made ID card, again using the image of the UK's top master forger, is shown on the right. Although this card simply would not work in a cash point machine, it can be used to guarantee a cheque for up to £100! Once again this is completely legal.

Each of the cards has been made from re-used materials, and has been manufactured at a fraction of the cost of the national ID card scheme. It the government would like to send the Lobster a small token of their appreciation, say £1 million pounds in used £5 notes, then they are free to use this idea and save the country billions. For security, each photo has a secret message hidden behind it, thus making these IDs virtually unforgeable. The original manufacturer and only the original manufacturer will be able to determine the validity of these documents.

WARNING: do not approach the man pictured. He has been known to scare leading Lib Dems, and even make one or two cry. Apparently he is even banned from the Customer Service Centre at Watford Town Hall.

Watford's New Pantomime Dame

2007-12-11T22:38:00.001+05:45

Here's a lovely new character from the Watford cast list. He works in "security", which he interprets as meaning that he's entitled to go around threatening people. He's a bit camera shy, which is surprising for someone in the film industry, but when he gets over this he will have a great future on the stage as a female impersonator.

Rare Sighting: Merlin of England

2007-12-11T20:40:00.000+05:45

Lobster Blogster was very fortunate to meet the splendid Merlin of England during a visit to Avebury for the (delayed) spring equinox.

With friends like these, who needs enemies? Merlin takes a keen interest in matters such as the threatened destruction of 106 mature trees at the Willow Grange site in Church Road, Watford. Merlin is available at the drop of a hat to assist in eco-demonstrations, especially if you have got his business card. Both Mr Lobster and Mrs Justice Lobster were thrilled to meet such a reverred character from English folklore, and a charming conversationalist to boot.

Beware Lib Dims, Merlin has a mighty big sword and he is prepared to use it!

Picture is copyright Lobster Blogster and may only be used by marine creatures on underwater missions.

Coming soon!

Lobster Blogster is working on a solution to the Identity Card crisis. The answer is home-made biometric photo-id cards! More of this when I manage to get my home broadband up and running again. Laters!

Hi-De-Hi! Mornin' Campers!!!

2007-12-07T12:54:00.000+05:45

We've had a report of a baby crying, in block 4QQ. Please try to keep the noise down when going past this chalet. There has been such a rackett that someone has already had to make a sharpe warning to the GPL. The chalet is on the Junction of the busy A440 and A426, so we do understand if the odd HGV may need to toot his horn as they bomb past.
{note to editor: check splelling of undrelinned wrods - aslo chek meenin of internals GPL}

Other news:
It now takes a meeting of the NW Bananacrat Executive Committee, 7.15pm Thurs 17/12/07 (bring your own biscuits) to decide what notices can be put in the window! Whatever next? A referendum before they can decide whether to flush the toilet!?!!

Football latest:
No news on who should be the chosen one just yet - watch this space

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for all the news as it happens.
Update 1: are we ready for takeoff, or is it just space monkeys buggering around?

Enjoy the Panto!

2007-12-05T21:37:00.001+05:45

Missing: Diamond Pastry Cutter

2007-12-05T15:25:00.000+05:45

As you can see from the photo on the right, one of the Lobster's pastry cutter's has gone missing. It's the diamond one, which cuts the sharpest, and makes the tastiest biscuits. Today being 5th December (bonfire night in Watford, we're exactly one month behind every one else in the UK), the Lobster has one or two tasks to do around the house, before getting ready to go out to see the panto at the Palace Theatre. In a moment, Lobster Blogster will head off to fetch his DIY overalls from the garage (in fetching BT colours, of course), so that he can get on with the big task of decorating the bathroom. Oh, and maybe he might pop in to his local Lib Dem offices, just to pass the time away a bit, and see how they feel about him raking up some leaves at the local park. What could possibly go wrong (today)?

Crisis Council: Pied Piper was Right!

2007-12-05T05:34:00.000+05:45

Come to Watford, and enjoy watching the rats fleeing a sinking ship!

Dodgy Dealings and Other Ways to Get Your Xmas List Done

2007-12-05T03:43:00.000+05:45

Psst! Wanna hear some gossip?

(Shh..., keep this right under your hat.) PragueTory knows the gen on Cameron's visit to Prague March 2006. Either that or someone else in Hlavni Mesto Praha knows what went on, and is blackmailling PT.

That, Mr Dale, is top quality goss, the type that changes hands for a lot of money in the Lobster's home turf of Callowland. While we're on the subject of Watford Oligopoly, here's a quick run down of some of the other districts in Watford, and their dominant species:

Central - full of shops - no one lives there
Oxhey - arty types and Lib Dems - nuff said
Woodside - no woods, a lot of side
West Watford - should be East Watford - main high street is Whip'n'Dehli Road
Nascot - more arty types - Lib Dem/Tory marginal
Leggatts - hard as old boots
Holywell - nuffing holy here, harder than Leggatts
Cassiobury - darlings!, every last one of them!

The Lobster's real name is mud just at moment. Some yobbo has been mouthing it off down at the Customer Service Centre at the Town Hall. If you've spent three seconds googling and figured it out, like some very over-priced poncy lawyers, then feel free to stroll right into Watford and impersonate the Lobster. Watch out though, almost everyone on my "manor" knows me by name or by face, and the Old Bill certainly do, what "wiv me gettin' sacked from two jobs last Friday."

Lobster "white van man" Blogster and his darling wife, Mrs Justice Lobster, are off to the panto tomorrow evening at Watford Palace Theatre. Due to some "last minute" cancellations, we "just happened" to get two of the best seats in the stalls. Do come along too if you can make it!

Running a bit late, I know, but here is the Lobster's Xmas list:

egg coddler
drinking glass chess game - TJ Hughes
badminton rackett - ASDAs
scorpion darts (i.e. fake lobster darts) - ASDAs
book - Sir Michael Dannett - biog
Châteaux Le Vieux Cèdre - 1998
Minervois - 1999
book - anything by Thich Nhat Hanh
you choose
health, wealth and happiness

Have a good one if I don't see you before Christmas Eve!

Winterval No 1.

2007-12-04T15:46:00.001+05:45

Lobster Blogster's tickets are already reserved. See you at Conway Hall.

Not Everyone That F'ing Lies ...

2007-12-04T14:34:00.000+05:45

... May Be Eaten!*

Planet Earth is expecting a visit from a giant flying monkey god from outer-space, by the name of Big King Umbongo, in the very near future. Lobster Blogster respectfully advises BKU that although he is perfectly entitled to take away and eat as many young virgins, and Lying Liberal Bananacrats, as he can lay his six hands on, not everything with wings is entirely palatable. Take a lion for instance. Because it is carnivorous, the flesh is not good to eat. Even if there were a lion which evolved wings, it still would leave a bad taste in the mouth.

*The quotation above is a slight adaptation of the Bulgarian translation for "All the glisters is not gold" in Българско-Ангийски Речник, T. Atanassova and others Sofia 1975.

Other news
Telling lies can:

cause you to stammer
make you go bald, and
worsen your eyesight

Take a look at the two anonymised models below and see if you can spot who tells the most lies?

Couldn't resist a couple of small clues! One pretends to be an anti-cover-up campaigner, the other is Ms Whip lash. Enjoy!

Operations: cross border operations have now been authorised

2007-12-03T09:29:00.000+05:45

Some parts re-posted from MacDonalds Community Noticeboard, St Albans Road, Watford

A great eco-crime is about to be committed. On Tuesday, Barratts Homes intend to cut down over one hundred trees at the British Waterways Board site in Church Road, Watford. Mrs Sally Rose Ivins, also of Church Road, wanted to take the case to the High Court to get a proper environmental assessment made, but could not cover the £1.8M indemnity that was required. No local backers were found. It was therefore with the greatest reluctance that Mr Lobster Blogster felt it was necessary to take direct action in the form of criminal damage. An incident has been recorded by the local police. The Lobster now faces many years in a watery prison, because of his personal belief that to kill a mature tree is an eco-crime. To chop down 106 PROTECTED TREES is surely evidence of serious malpractice within Watford Borough Council's Planning Office (Councillor details are out of date here, but Sally aka Harkin Larkin' won't mind a call. She came to Mr & Mrs Lobster's nuptials at the town hall, and seemed to want to argue with everyone there. Just tell her I've still got the "after Lichtenstein" photo, and will publish it if pushed!)

When the Lobster made an enquiry as to whether the final Planning Application had been completed, the Lobster was told "it could not be found". Swampy, Merlin and Arthur Pendragon will not be pleased! Even the boy scouts will be upset about this one, as Lobster Blogster has learnt that the site is part of a Smoke Control Area.

Other news:

Colloseum has a side room suitable for showing films - might be handy if Watford gets involved with this
Julia Dave of the Customer Service desk wins the Lobster Blogster "Outstanding Customer Services in face of Adversity" award. Well done Julia, your prize will be with you before the close of play today
Wrote letter to Tim Woolridge to let him know the scale on the Watford Cycling map is wonky - suggest he links up with London Cycling Campaign
Apologised to Danielle Mcguire, also in Customer Services, and offered a small gift of baklava, obtained from "Try Me ... Saj". It's right next door to the Print Machine on the St Albans Road, and serves excellent Lebanese Street Cusine to the discerning residents of north Watford
Had to make a complaint about the lavs in the subway by the Town Hall, but ended up complaining about the women who was meant to be dealing with myself and another chap - more on this later as it develops!
Must dash now, to see if the Horns still does Pub Tapas

Live blog from WC Library (PC24), trialing the new Cirque Cruise Cat GDU500 available from www.keytools.com

SENSATIONAL: Green Party Link to Labour Funding Scandals

2007-11-28T13:15:00.000+05:45

Lobster Blogster has been approached by a senior member of Watford, Hertsmere and Three Rivers Green Party, so that the following personal statement can be made:

"I am a senior member of Watford, Hertsmere and Three Rivers Green Party and I have been secretly funding the Labour Party for over fifteen years, through a third party. When I first started doing this, I was not in the Green Party, and so there was no conflict of interest. To be Candid, I didn't really think about cancelling these payments when I first joined what was then Watford Green Party. I had hoped to buy influence in the Labour Party, but I don't really think I ever got value for money. I shall write to the third party to see if the existing arrangement can be cancelled, or failing that, if the entire amount can be properly refunded and donated to the rightful owners at my local Green Party."

Mrs Justice Lobster immediately issued a 'D' Notice, preventing the name of either the senior party member, or the third party, or it's General Secretary, from being used in any news media worldwide (except Solomon Islands). As ever we will keep you fully up to date with events before and after they happen here at Lobster Blogster.

Other news:
This blog is always delighted to hear of banana related gossip. So the Lobster is very pleased to hear that Pratt's Bananas in Luton may at last be going for Fairtrade accreditation. Well done to all the people on the ground there. Don't forget you can help to end workplace exploitation by supporting the work of bananalink.

Lobster Blogster: An Apology

2007-11-28T10:12:00.000+05:45

Lobster Blogster would like to apologise to the long suffering Watford commuter, as he has had to ask officers from the elite "Shady Lane" fast reaction squad to close off Watford Junction. Whilst visiting the station yesterday evening the Lobster fell into a long conversation with a member of the front-line staff. The Lobster has not been paying Watford Junction the attention recently it so richly deserves. If you are familiar with Milan, Gard du Nord or even the recently reopened St Pancras, you are missing an architectural treat by not visiting Watford Junction.

Brutal by design and brutal by nature, the ticket hall is famed around the world as the venue for some of the toughest football related violence ever. Who can forget the day when Luther Blissett had to be escorted by nearly a thousand armed officers to catch the 8.14 to Kings Langley? Not letting myself be too perturbed by all this, I tried to purchase an Oyster card, and in the ensuing scuffle, an original document appears to have fallen out of my pocket.

As a bit of background I have in the past corresponded with one of Mr Blair's Ministerial team. Claire and I disagree about one or two matters, but we both respect each other's privacy and so have never chosen to divulge to a wider audience everything we have corresponded about. Now the Lobster can't really remember whether it was some notes which Claire had put together on the Lebanon crisis last year, and issues surrounding our newly installed Middle Eastern Envoy, or whether it was that other silly thing which I sometimes wish I had just let drop, but the truth is I have lost a letter. In the circumstances I think it would be wise to withdraw Mr Blair at his earliest convenience immediately from the Middle East. On security issues one simply cannot compromise.

I have every hope that the full search of Watford Junction, security audit, staff training and management re-alignment programme which I had alluded to elsewhere will soon turn up the missing document. In the meantime I expect passengers joining at Bushey will enjoy the fact that they are getting a seat for a change.

Lobster Finds Pearl in Oyster

2007-11-28T04:39:00.001+05:45

Watford Junction has just joined the London Overground Network. Here's the official checklist for who needs to do what to get the Oyster Card system up and running for the long suffering Watford commuter.

Get Oyster barriers installed - engineer - done!
Get a stock of Oyster cards - admin clerk - done!
Get a machine to issue Oyster cards - technician - done!
Get the ticket office staff trained up so they can issue Oyster cards - station manager

So Lobster Blogster would like to add just one more thing, to help the whole process on its way

5. Charlie Johnson, Station manager, Watford Junction - Get off your fat arse and get your effing staff trained up, you idle twat!

While you're at it, you total waste of space, where is the signage to the disabled access/bicycle route to the Abbey Flyer Line, dick head?

Lobster Blogster - serving Watford's public with a smile!

Deleted E-mails: Can They Be Retrieved?

2007-11-28T00:28:00.000+05:45

Regular readers of Lobster Blogster will know that we have strict copy deadline of 5pm. So it's a shame that Watford Borough Council were unable contribute to this post. They work until 5.15pm, so the Lobster expects that a last minute cup of tea has just nudged them past the copy deadline. No doubt we will be able to give you a full report back in tomorrow's edition.

Security sources have suggested a fake Press Release is being circulated. These sorts of issues are usually investigated by MI5. For the time being all e-mail users of the following systems are advised not to open attachments from Watford Borough Council: Microsoft Outlook, Outlook Express and Lotus Notes below version 6.5a. The main identifying mark is Word.Document.8. Lobster Blogster can supply the precise adhoc cycle review code if you think you have caught a live one!

What the Lobster can tell you, from "an informant" is that the computers on the Customer Service desk haven't been working since Thursday. And someone in the Press Office has been deleting a lot of e-mails.

Surely, someone from a nearby giant retailling company with an HQ in Clarendon Road has got someone to spare who can help WBC out with their PC problems?

Claire Ward MP: Are the Helicopter Flight Stories True?

2007-11-27T13:47:00.000+05:45

Have any other bloggers heard the rumour that Claire Ward has been linked to the Michael Ashcroft/Flying Lion story? The way the Lobster heard it, she was seen flying out of Leavesden Aerodrome, just after Daniel Radcliffe and other film stars flew in. If anyone could track down a Flying Lion flight to the aerodrome, it would be sensational news.

FOUND: Safe at Last! Two Inland Revenue CDs

2007-11-27T13:04:00.000+05:45

Safe at Last
Lobster Blogster is really pleased to say that two Inland Revenue CDs have been found on the corner of Garfield Street and Leavesden Road. Accordingly, he is issuing the following press release:

"I went back to the abandoned Lib Dem offices I showed last night, again this morning, because the photo I showed may have been doing them a disservice. I had already described the huge pile of beer cans, and the vacuum cleaner. I don't want to cause the Liberal Democrats, or any other Watford politician, any more distress than is necessary.

I have been working for a major retailler recently, and so I know just how important computer security is. People should use anti-virus and encryption technologies to protect sensitive commercial and personal data. Yesterday, for instance, I had discussions with a "guru", over from the States. He made a minor change to a PGP encryption server, and then I asked someone to test that the company PCI policy could be fulled applied. I'm glad to say it worked. It's important that people with the most sensitive data, such as loss investigators and auditors are protected from prying eyes.

I am glad to be able to report, that in this case, at least one of the Government CDs is still in it's original packaging. The tamper proof seal is intact. The other one has been snapped safely into a waterproof plastic carry case. I felt it was important not to disturb the evidence until forensics could investigate."

No one yet knows if the police have been called.

INCREDIBLE: Lying Lib Dems Flee Watford

2007-11-27T04:14:00.000+05:45

This cannot possibly be true!
In an almost unbelievable turn of events, the Lib Dem offices on the Leavesden Road, North Watford, were coned off, as if to "prevent evidence from being destroyed". The shutters were down, there was not a single orange Lib Dem sign on display and an estate agent's "To Let" sign was firmly affixed to the front of the building.

Liberal Democrat Portfolio Holders, have been refusing all calls and e-mails, and even Cllr Iain Sharpe's blog has been left abandoned for several days. Lobster Blogster had hoped to bring you news of who the "third man" is, the political leader with responsibility for Housing during the period 2005 to 2006, but now it seems we may never know.

It looks as though the building was cleared out several days ago. Rubbish has already started to accumulate. An elderly man with white hair was seen leaving the building with bundles of paperwork on Saturday. Is this when the Lib Dems upped sticks and went? There are signs that a lot of alcohol had been consumed, and a vacuum cleaner has been left by the front door. Up the street an old settee is left right across the pavement. Could this be the same sofa where leading Lib Dems sat down in comfort, whilst collecting huge allowances from the Watford tax payer?

UPDATE: Oh no, it looks like we've found out who the new tenants are!

Other news
The Watford Observer reported today that the Gold Plated Traffic Cones saga is almost over. Drivers in the area face only a few more months of driving misery, before a team of specialised "traffic cone removal operatives" are assigned to the dangerous task of re-opening the full width of the road. Claire Ward MP, said this was a "victory for common sense" after being told that the M25 was likely to be further widened in approximately two years time. Full story here.

Anti Bullying Week

2007-11-26T13:47:00.000+05:45

The Lobster has taken on three bullies during anti-bullying week. They are:

Paul Staines - threatened Lobster Blogster here - Lobster Blogster claims Staines is the internet's biggest liar here
Iain Dale - called the Lobster an idiot here - Dale's integrity questioned by the Lobster alongside Staines' in the above link
Iain Sharpe - made personal comments and allegations about the Lobster's integrity which the Lobster utterly refutes and demands an apology for here

One failed Tory, one aspirant Tory and one Lib Dem local party leader and Council cabinet member. All in all a busy week. What have you been up to?

Lobster Blogster: Tagged For Life

2007-11-26T06:34:00.000+05:45

WORLD EXCLUSIVE: Lobster Blogster has joined an exclusive list of up to one thousand households in North Watford which are taking part in the UK's national pilot of enigmaTag. A free bottle of enigmaTag is available to North Watford resident's who visit North Watford Police Station, or contact their local community officers. But hurry, there are only one thousand bottles available for the entire pilot scheme. The tagging liquid is not available for sale in the UK at the present time, but it is expected to retail for around £80 when the trial is complete.

Were the Lobster to be stolen, or perhaps even eaten by missionaries from the Liberal Bananacrats, then police would be able to confirm the identity of the rightful owner using an ultra-violet scanning device.

How amusing that the powers that be have chosen North Watford as the only pilot scheme in the UK. Could it possibly be because this is one part of the country where we most definately don't trust the lying Lib Dems?

As a corollary to the Watford Observer getting a written apology from Lib Dem Parliamentary candidate Sal Brinton, it may be worth mentioning that Andy Wylie, already in trouble on other pages of Lobster Blogster, is the Lib Dems election agent. It is his name that should appear at the foot of all local Lib Dem political material, and he is the one who is legally responsible for any claim made within the literature. Lobster Blogster's copy of the offending leaflet was delivered some four or five days after Brinton's apology appeared in the Watford Observer. In their usual lazy way the Lib Dems had not bothered to cover the offending item, or make clear by way of a sticker that they had had to apologise to the paper for the lie. Like any good citizen, the Lobster's copy went straight into the recycling bin unread. But if anyone still has the lying leaflet, the Lobster would be very grateful if it could be identified whether Wylie's name is on it or not.

COVER UP: Estimated Exposure of WBC is £1.8m

2007-11-26T04:20:00.000+05:45

How strange! The Lobster has highlighted in bold praise from the Audit Commission for Watford Borough Council recorded in two sections of the council's Comprehensive Performance Assessment.

47 Partnerships are used effectively to increase the Council's capacity to deliver its ambitions and priorities. Partnership with the County Council has enabled the Council to improve the town centre environment. It is achieving housing priorities by effective partnership work with residents, tenants, voluntary organisations and Registered Social Landlords; and the planned transfer of its housing stock will improve capacity to achieve the decent homes standard. The transfer of management of community centres to community associations and agreement on a three-year funding programme for voluntary and community groups helps those bodies better support the Council's priorities. The Council is working with two neighbouring authorities to develop shared services on HR, finance, ICT and revenues and benefits. It has taken a lead role in the development of the county-wide pathfinder bid, which is planned to make savings of 3.5 per cent. Partnership working with a consortium including Watford Hospital and Watford Football Club is central to the health campus plan. The Council's good use of partnerships is successfully increasing its capacity to deliver its priorities.

68. Service users are actively involved in performance management. Scrutiny actively seeks to involve the public and stakeholders in the policy review process, leading to improved participation rates in a number of reviews including those on the future of the Colosseum and on transport (buses). In a stakeholder survey over 60 per cent of respondents agreed that the Council was involving service users, residents and partners in monitoring services. In particular, housing was cited as a service that was good at engaging with and involving tenants and residents. Over half of respondents thought that the Council reported in an open and transparent way about levels of performance. Service standards are not universally in place but are currently being developed in a number of services. The Council clearly engages well with its stakeholders.

From the Audit Commission's Comprehensive Performance Assessment for WBC, July 2007

Strange because the Local Government Ombudsman, Tony Redmond, has just said (Lobster's emphasis):

33. Hertfordshire County Council and Watford Borough Council should also consider their arrangements for partnerships with other bodies and may wish to consider the advice contained in the Ombudsman’s recently published Special Report on Partnerships.

This forms part of his official ruling on 24th October 2007 that Watford Borough Council and Hertfordshire County Council were guilty of Maladministration causing injustice.

Why does it matter?
A finding of maladministration will affect the reputation of both councils. Watford has ambitious plans for partnership working with neighbouring authorities and a local health campus/road scheme. Should these still go ahead while there are questions about Watford's competence? Or should a proper investigation take place as to why the Audit Commission was told one version of events, but the Ombudsman found another? But Mr Redmond's report also contained this bombshell:

26. The Borough’s housing manager says that [the complainant] had received the same poor standard of service as other Borough tenants. A note in his tenancy file said that external decorations were done in 1987 and were not due again until 1992. She says that the Borough’s properties have not been externally decorated for years unless the tenants complained or officers identified particular problems.

(Again the Lobster's emphasis.) This means that the complainant, who has just successfully won an offer of compensation, might not be alone. There may be other equally dissatisfied former tenants who are eligible for compensation. It's time to do a quick sum. There were 4,468 dwellings under WBC's control at the time they were transferred to Watford Community Housing Trust on 10th September 2007. The complainant's home in this case was actually part of a small number of additional dwellings that were owned by Herts CC and managed by WBC. So let's assume a total of 4,500 dwellings were previously managed by WBC. Section 2.7 of this report prepared for Marion Harris, Head of Housing at WBC on 5 September 2006 indicates that 20.1% of tenants were not "very satisfied" with the service offered by the council’s Housing Department. This means there could be up to 900 former tenants who may be eligible for compensation payouts.

Cllr Andy Wylie, portfolio holder for Housing, recently tried to imply that the tenants in the Ombudsman's case had accepted £2,000 from the council. It wasn't true. The tenants appear to be reserving their legal rights, and may well receive a larger payout. In their case there had been deficiencies over a very long period of time. These fell outside the Ombudsman's time limits, so he exercised his discretion to limit his investigation to just the final two years of their tenancy. But even if we just take the £2,000 figure, then the council's potential exposure to compensation claims is of the order of £1.8 million.

Cllr Iain Sharpe, Leader of the Liberal Democrat group at WBC, was clearly very rattled when he made this comment on Lobster Blogster:

If we were trying to cover this up we have certainly gone a rather odd way about it.

The Ombudsman's report was reported to full council and the subject of a full debate, with the public present, as evidenced by the fact that you were there and able to report on it.

Cllr Wylie made it absolutely clear that compensation had been offered but not accepted.

The Ombudsman states that he had exercised his discretion to limit his formal investigation to events between 2005 and 2007, it is pretty clear from the tenor of his report that the failures go back much longer. Which makes Andy Wylie's comment pretty accurate.

In the circumstances, therefore, it seems to me that in using the term 'cover up' you are using emotive language to make a bogus point, in contrast to your leader Cllr Rackett last night.

Lobster Blogster now demands that Cllr Sharpe withdraws his comments above, and offers the Lobster a personal written apology.

There's quite a bit to follow up from this post. There's the matter of informing the Audit Commission and the Ombudsman of serious discrepancies between the reports they have independently produced, and there is the procedural issue of getting the matters raised here properly investigated at the council. The Lobster already has one outstanding urgent enquiry* to which the council has not even bothered to reply to, and so will continue to pursue these matters as and when time permits. As ever, watch this space for further developments.

* refers to a handcrafted LobsterGram, delivered to the front letter box of Watford Town Hall on Saturday morning

Notes:
Marion Harris was Head of Housing between 27th October 2003 and 9th September 2007 when she transferred to the Watford Community Housing Trust.

Update 21/12/07
WBC's Head of Legal and Democratic Services has written to Lobster Blogster to establish that it was Cllr Andy Wylie who was the portfolio holder for housing during the period of maladministration. Mrs Chen confirms that no compensation has been paid.

Exposed: Naked Toilet Man is Green Party Member

2007-11-25T17:24:00.001+05:45

Andy McBean, Watford resident, unafraid to use the toilet in public

The naked truth about Andy McBean's toileting habits can be found in A Year on the Bog. It's available in all good bookshops and is published by Southbank Publishing. As you might expect there are frequent uses of the words "piss" and "shit". Over-sensitive Liberal Democrats are WARNED that the book also contains emotive language.

Welcome to Watford

2007-11-25T06:08:00.001+05:45

"... and of course our new pop up toilets. ... I hope that these small changes make a big difference on the High Street"

Mayor's report 21st November 2007

Yes they have Mayor Thornhill. They have turned Watford High Street into one long urinal. Pissing in public is now an accepted part of Watford nightlife. Liberal Democrats are shamefully turning our town into an open sewer.

UPDATE:
Mrs Justice Lobster issued the following legal ruling at 7.00am GMT:

"The foolishness of Watford's Lib Dem administration now means that indecent exposure is legal within the central Watford drinking zone."

Clarification of the legal position means that Lobster Blogster will be sending out a National Media Alert shortly. Please stay tuned to Lobster Blogster for further developments as they happen.

UPDATE 2:
Due to the Lobster happening across a very handy list of tourism contacts, and the dire need to make a pun here, the Lobster has revised his plans accordingly. A Members Survey and Worldwide Tourism Invitation has now been despatched. Let's make Watford High Street the venue for the world's biggest piss-up!

Lying Staines has Libelled Honest Lying Staines

2007-11-24T07:36:00.000+05:45

The big debate over a wikipedia at the moment is whether Paul Staines, the internet's biggest liar, has libelled himself. Apparently all those nutjob pamphlets he wrote, were written by someone else. Presumably this was another Paul Staines when he was off his nuts on acid.

Amazingly Lobster Blogster has found one sound reference for Staines' seminal work:

Staines, Paul. 1989. In the Grip of the Sandinistas: Human Rights in Nicaragua 1979-1989 Washington, D.C.: International Society for Human Rights.

Here at Louisiana State University.

Needless to say, the Lobster BSc Bristol 1984, has got in touch with the Louisiana State University to ask them to check the shelves of their library. The Lobster however believes it is very unlikely that Staines' later became the "UK secretary-general of the International Society for Human Rights and editor of Human Rights Briefing". In fact I nearly wet myself laughing when I read it. Staines himself has one well thumbed copy, but sadly Amazon says it is out of stock. An interesting feature of Amazon is that anyone can log in and edit the details of books. Perhaps the former Secretary General can find time in his busy schedule to log in and put in some valid ISBN numbers? My local library can find almost any book, but Staines' work defeated them.

Just time for a couple of quick notes:
The Lobster has led some silly lawyers a merry dance the last couple of days. When you've finished billing your clients, do remember to pop along to the IT department, and ask the what an ISP footprint might look like. I think you'll find that the chambers of Leolin Price CBE QC has got quite a big one. Do feel free to take a peek at Lobster Blogster from time to time, but I'm not sure you should be spending quite so much time blogging during working hours. Unless of course you just happen to be working for a silly man who dreams of power without responsibility, or his idiot mate.

Having mentioned the alma mater, I couldn't resist a quick: "Vidal says hi". If the apostles are still worshipping, it would be nice to catch up with you again. Happy blogging!

FAILED COUNCIL: Lib Dems forced to admit no compensation paid yet

2007-11-24T05:00:00.000+05:45

In a sensational new development at Watford Borough Council, Liberal Democrat Leader and Portfolio Holder for Financial Services, Revenues and Benefits and Planning and Development on the council cabinet, Councillor Iain Sharpe has been forced to admit, exclusively to this blog, that no compensation has been paid in the ongoing housing maladministration scandal.
He said:

"Cllr Wylie made it absolutely clear that compensation had been offered but not accepted."

Councillor Wylie, who is the Portfolio Holder for Housing and Human Resources, did indeed make it clear, but not until the council meeting on 21st November 2007. Lobster Blogster was the first to report the truth the following day. However the councillor did not make it clear to the readers of the Watford Observer on 5th November, when he commented on an inaccurate article published by the paper titled "Councils pay out £2,250 compensation". Despite the very first paragraph stating that an elderly couple

"...have received a £2,000 payout from Watford Borough Council."

Cllr Wylie failed to make the truth known. The Liberal Democrat cabinet member failed again on the 6th November to indicate that the newspaper article itself was untruthful. Cllr Wylie, who boasts:

"I am not one of those - if it goes wrong on my watch I front it and take the flack."

has made no effort to explain these glaring inaccuracies to either Lobster Blogster or the Watford Observer. Despite an unwarranted personal attack by Cllr Sharpe, Lobster Blogster will not be silenced, and says:

"Stop hiding behind the mayor's husband, come out in the open Councillor Wylie and explain yourself."

Oh, and to Councillor Sharpe I will say just this. It's not Lobster Blogster who has caused two years of misery to an elderly couple and cost the tax payers of Watford tens of thousands of pounds in failed a High Court action and Maladministration ruling. It is you and your incompetent Lib Dem administration. If you believe there's no cover up, why won't you let Wylie speak for himself?

Note:
The maladministration occurred between 2005 and 2007. Cllr Wylie has confirmed that he took on the Building Service portfolio only in 2006. This means that there is yet another member of the Liberal Democrat administration has failed to come clean about their role in this scandal. Lobster Blogster will of course bring you the name of the incompetent politician as soon as Watford Borough Council confirm the identity.

Update 21/12/07
Oh dear, it's not looking good for Iain Sharpe. Carol Chen, the Head of Legal & Democratic Services has now written to Lobster Blogster to establish that Andy Wylie was the portfolio holder for housing for both 2005 and 2006. So why didn't Sharpe correct this post from Lobster Blogster? It seems that cry-baby Sharpe is both a bully and a liar. The Borough Solicitor has also established that a the High Court Taxi fiasco cost the council £101,993 - you pay a high price for having a lying Liberal Democrat adminstration.

Recent Scandals

2007-11-23T13:28:00.000+05:45

There's been lots of comings and goings recently with bits and bobs on the internet being banned, data going missing and files being injuncted. Lobster Blogster is having a bit of trouble keeping up with it all.

Does anyone know if the following file is still injuncted?

Northern_Rock_Summary.pdf

If so then can the relevant agents please get in touch via my legal representative.

Please be aware that the Lobster's lawyer's first language is not English. Because he is based off the coast of New Ireland there may be delays in reaching him due to timezone differences and local tides. Lobster Blogster tries deal with all enquiries of a legal nature in a period of three to four weeks.

Lib Dems Try to Cover Up Maladministration Decision in Watford

2007-11-22T10:04:00.000+05:45

Watford Borough Council's Liberal Democrat administration, who lost a Judicial Review case in the High Court in June 2006, are desperately trying to cover up a recent ruling of Maladministration by the Local Government Ombudsman.

Responding to an (inaccurate) article "Councils pay out £2,250 compensation" published by the Watford Observer on 4th November 2007, Cllr Andy Wylie said:

The article is a bit misleading so here is the full story. Back in the 60's Watford acquired some homes for knocking down to build roads. ...

What Wylie fails to make clear is that:

a) Compensation has not been paid, as the article mistakenly asserts
b) The Ombudsman's report refers to "Between 2005 and 2007..." and only those years.

The finding is that both Watford Borough Council and Hertfordshire County Council were guilty of "Maladministration causing injustice", and the Ombudsman's report has now been agreed by the full council. Cllr Wylie, who proposed the report to the council, now has some difficult questions to answer:

1. Why did he not take the opportunity to correct the inaccuracies in the Watford Observer article when he commented on it on 5th November 2007?

2. Why did he try to mislead readers of the Watford Observer, and the full council on 21st November 2007, by stating that the problems had occurred over 25 years, when he knew that the Ombudsman's report covered just the period 2005 to 2007?

Notes:
Cllr Andy Wylie took over responsibility for the Building Services department in 2006
Local Government Ombudsman Housing Complaint Summaries
Full Report into complaints no 06/A/17783 and 07/A/00758 as adopted by Watford Borough Council
Watford Area Green Party on Council Fail to Acknowledge problems in Taxi de-limitation process

A Fool and His Money...

2007-11-22T04:53:00.000+05:45

The blogosphere is full of talk of lawyers at the moment. Nadine Dorries has blown a gasket, and is consulting Simon Smith at Schillings. Over at Mr Dale's, Iain is working on a massive job creation scheme for lawyers. He won't let on who he consults though. Even if the Lobster knew, he couldn't possibly tell you, because of client confidentiality.

It's made Lobster Blogster wonder if he should hire a top London lawyer too. The Lobster would go for somewhere that was handy for the tube, and with a nice bit of greenery where you can eat your sandwiches.

10 Old Square
Lincoln's Inn
London
WC2A 3SU

Tel: (020) 7405 0758
Fax: (020) 7831 8237

Seems to fit the bill. They advertise on the net, so perhaps they are a bit short of work. Not too bad though, they were all booked up from about 9.30 am today, so maybe I'll try again another day.

By the way, does anyone know just about how much a top London lawyer would charge? I need to budget for my day out and the Travelcard will set me back £12.00 straight away.

The Rotten Heart of Tory Blogging

2007-11-19T14:08:00.001+05:45

Oh dear, the Lobster has been at it again!

Not only has Lobster Blogster claimed that Iain Dale is a fraudster and a hypocrite, now I've gone and called him irresponsible, and on his home patch too.

Then the Lobster decided to take on Dale's top blogging mate, Paul Staines. Staines spectacularly failed at college, then went on to create a fantasy political and financial career. It was the news that Michael White was to take on Staines, with Recess Monkey as the ringmaster that caused the Lobster to let slip his encyclopedic knowledge of Staines' career.

But isn't the real point about Dale, as he seeks the Tory nomination for the Maidstone constituency, that he has poor judgement? Dale has repeatedly heaped plaudits upon Staines, and has even co-authored a couple of books with him. But Staines proudest boast seems to be lying to the Tories at conference:

"I know this to be completely untrue because I made up this explanation at a press conference held to launch the Freedom to Party Campaign at the Conservative Party conference in October 1989."

and

"This, incidentally, is the most successful lie I have ever told."

You can wonder what attributes the Tories do look for when they choose their candidates, but do you really think they want someone whose proudest claim is my mate is the internet's biggest liar?

History Repeating Itself

2007-11-18T16:27:00.000+05:45

"The lights are going out all over Europe and I doubt we will see them go on again in our lifetime".

Sir Edward Grey, British foreign secretary, 1914

Well it's true round where I live, anyway!

Phew!

2007-10-31T06:48:00.000+05:45

Panic over.

It's been quite a busy day here at Lobster Blogster. Visitors from a couple of newspapers, UK parliament, the Electoral Commission and even one from Conservative Central Office (probably wondering if Dale has mended his ways yet) all dropped in to have look. Lots of visitors. Tons more than the Lobster normally gets. But the Lobster is pleased to say that it appears that the big panic is over because Mr Cameron's trip to Norway was all declared, according to this article by the Sunday Mirror:

A TRIP to the Arctic to show how much he cared about global warming - during which his private plane belted out up to 43 tonnes of CO2. The flights came to light in the register of MPs' interests.

The Lobster has to admit he can find no trace of this in the online Register of Member's Interests, but clearly the Sunday Mirror have tracked the relevant entry down somewhere.

The Lobster can now slide happily back into obscurity, and perhaps get on and track down the rest of those blessed Flying Lion entries :-)

Stark Staring Mad

2007-10-31T05:52:00.000+05:45

The Tories have all gone stark staring mad, and want everyone on the blogosphere to display this poster. Lobster Blogster has no idea what it means, it doesn't even seem to be written in proper English. Oh well, if it keeps tham happy. Perhaps they will pay the Lobster some sort of commission for showing this?

Some Light Amusement

2007-10-30T07:22:00.000+05:45

Lobster fans may well be getting a bit bored waiting for Lobster Blogster to trawl through endless web pages in search of freebie flights. So here's a little bit of tittle-tattle strictly for your amusement only.

On 21st April 2006 David Cameron visited Norway. He travelled by private jet. Here's a picture of him sitting on the plane bragging about how he offset the carbon emissions.

And here's an extract from Mr Cameron's Register of Member's Interests from March 2006 to November 2006.

6. Overseas visits

22 March 2006, to Prague for meeting with ODS (Civic Democratic Party). Return flight provided by Flying Lion Ltd. (Registered 22 May 2006)
20 June 2006, return flight to Germany for World Cup match, provided by David Ross, a businessman from London. (Registered 21 June 2006)
28 June 2006, to Prague for meeting with ODS (Civic Democratic Party). Return flight provided by Jonathan Green, a retired businessman from London. (Registered 29 June 2006)
3-7 September 2006, official visit to India. International flights provided by Michael Spencer. Internal flights provided by Michael Spencer and JCB. Upgrade on outward flight provided by British Airways. (Accommodation provided by the Conservative Party for one night and by the British High Commissioner for two nights.) (Registered 19 September 2006)
20-21 November 2006, to Khartoum, Sudan, to investigate the humanitarian situation in Darfur. Return flight provided by Flying Lion Limited. (Registered 27 October 2006)

Can you spot anything missing? Yes that's right, Mr Cameron was so busy showing off his cuff-links, he completely forgot to do his paperwork. He may now be regretting that he had the Guardian along to record his every movement. Probably there is some entirely innocent explanation for there being no entry in the register. Perhaps he paid for the whole trip himself? Although at these prices, the Lobster doubts it. The plane alone would have cost in excess of £42,000!

HatTip: as soon as the Lobster saw this article, he knew the Flying Lion story had legs!

Update: to be fair to Mr Cameron, the Lobster's further research did find a newspaper article which said it's be been declared, nice and proper like. Not really sure why we can't all take a look at the official declaration on line though. The Lobster will try to bring this to you as soon as it comes to light.

Big Slog to Hunt Down the Flying Lion

2007-10-30T03:48:00.000+05:45

Lobster Blogster set himself the task of identifying all the Register of Members Interests entries that refer to Flying Lion Ltd. At the time of writing, the Lobster believes there are 150 web pages to check, and one third of them have been trawled. 98 individual entries have been found, but there is some duplication which needs to be weeded out. It's all proving a bit of a slog.

Isn't it amazing what a little bit of flattery can achieve?

Back to Basics

2007-10-28T14:47:00.000+05:45

Lobster Blogster got back to his core mission recently, when he spotted this plea over at Tom Watson:

I’m trying to find out more about a company called Flying Lion Ltd. Do you know this company or can you point me in the right direction?

Being a dedicated, lobster focused search engine, this task was a doddle. Lobster did a quick bit of googling and came up with a whole list of references that Flying Lion Ltd run a particular Bermuda based aircraft. Tom's curiosity didn't end there and he asked:

Do you know where I might be able to confirm what the commercial cost of hiring a luxury Falcon 900 EX-42 private jet would be?

Without too much difficulty a website quoting luxury jet hire fees was located (perhaps Tom fancies jetting off somewhere for a few days, and is wondering if he can put it on expenses?). But all this did lead the Lobster to ask himself one question:

Where are all the Labour Research Assistants when you need them?

Over at Recess Monkey, the Lobster recently had to slap the wrist of Red Tamarin for copying someone else's joke about the back end of a bus. Clearly you won't get much work out of these jokers.

Then there's Kerron Cross, who when he isn't admiring his new beard, is taking photo's of his House of Commons security pass. Al Qaeda like tendencies if ever there were any.

So poor Tom Watson has to rely on passers by to do his research for him. Don't worry Tom, Lobster Blogster is here to answer your difficult questions, while your paid researchers idle their time away, and spend their time grumbling about MuffinGate.

Joining the Moral Majority

2007-10-27T14:59:00.000+05:45

In the good ole days you might expect an old style villain to mutter something like:

"It's a fair cop, guv. I'll do me bird quietly."

as the cuffs are slipped gently around his wrists. But, sadly, in these post-Thatcherite days of Essex Man and used-car salesmen posing as parliamentary candidates, the crooks just don't want to own up when they've been caught, or accept the punishment for their actions.

And so it was that I had that Iain Dale drop by Lobster Blogster last night, effing and blinding, and generally bringing the good name of the Conservative Party (for whom he is a candidate) into disrepute. As a warning to all discerning bloggers, Lobster Blogster is adding a link to the said fraudster's own blog. In this instance "Top Blog" should be read as "Top Blog to Avoid" in the Lobster Blogster hall of infamy.

Please look at for the citation: Iain Dale - Essex Fraudster and Potty Mouth - which now appears in the left-hand bit of this blog. Avoid this man at all costs, he is a convicted felon on the loose! Or as the Lobster's friends in the moral majority would say:

"Cor, lummee, what is the world comin' to?"

Evenin' All!

2007-10-27T02:09:00.000+05:45

PCSO Lobster was on patrol across the blogosphere last night when he came across a clear case of thievery. Essex wide boy Iain Dale had posted this article about misplaced exhaust pipes, which bore a striking resemblance to Red Tamarin's offering at Recess Monkey.

After studying the evidence that monkey posted at 1.39 pm on October 24, 2007 and that gossip-monger posted at 11.26pm on October 25, 2007, PCSO Lobster swooped in to make his first ever arrest for the blatant web crime of "nicking someone else's stuff".

It didn't take much more than a flash of the hand-cuffs, truncheon, CS gas spray and Taser stun gun for Dale to be squealing like a good un', and on his home turf too.

His defence read:

That would be a tad difficult as I haven't actually looked at Recess Monkey for several weeks. However, I plead guilty to probably having received the same tip-off email. At least I slightly reworded it, which is more than he did!!

Word soon got out, and the simian knew he would soon have to squeal. His defence read:

I got it via email and then posted it on Recess Monkey, adding my own final joke. Not unlikely that Iain also got it via email and used much of the same wording.

The problem of blogging is that there is an expectation that you read every other blog in your genre/sphere constantly and therefore would know if anyone had posted a story already. I certainly don't - I don't have the time or the inclination!

Nice work PCSO Lobster, because Iain Dale and Red Tamarin have confessed in their own words to the crime of plagiarism, which as we all know is to pass of someone else's work as your own. Or in the words of www.plagiarism.org:

...plagiarism is an act of fraud. It involves both stealing someone else's work and lying about it afterward.

Two successful convictions for the price of one! Who ever said that PCSOs were a waste of time?

PS Talking of wastes of time, I wonder if anyone has spotted another little detail in convict Dale's evidence. He doesn't read the number one Lefty blog, from his own list of the Top 100 Left of Centre Blogs. If he can't be bothered to read his own recommendations, why on earth does he think the rest of us should be interested? Time to own up Dale, for the fraudster you are!

Those Pesky Nigerians!

2007-10-11T23:06:00.000+05:45

Lobster Blogster has been sent one of those pesky spam e-mails, probably from an exiled Nigerian, with the unlikely name of Hon Burnham. See for yourself if you think its a scam or not!

From: Hon. Andy Burnham [bur_ham36@hotmail.com]
Sent: 11 October 2007 17:35
To: undisclosed-recipients: ;
Subject: I NEED YOUR ASSISTANCE
Dear Friend,
I am The Rt Hon. Andy Burnham MP, (Chief Secretary to The Treasury UK) I was a member of a committee that Brokered a deal between EPE (UK) Ltd, an oil Filtration Company that executed an oil filtration contract for the Russian Government during the regime of Tony Blair who just stepped down for Gordon Brown our New Prime Minister. We the committee members had an Over invoiced amount of £14,000,000.00 which we Had kept aside for ourselves but could not share Immediately. The Change of the office of the prime Minister has presented an opportunity for us to share The money amongst ourselves hence my contacting you.
My share of the booty is (£1.750,000.00) One Million seven hundred and fifty thousand GBP. Due to my Position as an MP in UK here. I can not invest the Money here or have a foreign account hence I am Seeking a reliable person who will receive this money on my behalf for investment purposes. The money was Deposited in a non investment holding account with a Bank here in UK.
I am sincerely seeking your assistance to receive this Amount. Please if you can assist in investing this Fund in any good investment in your country or any Country of your Choice. If you agree to Help, you will be entitled to 10% of the total amount While we will agree on your commission on the Investment later. If you are willing to assist, get back to me with Your Full Name, Address and contact details.
The Rt Hon Andy Burnham MP

Liberals Lying Here

2007-10-09T15:03:00.000+05:45

Liberal Democrats in Watford were forced to apologise recently when the Watford Observer noticed that the local party were making up quotes, and the attributing them to the paper's editorial team. Then they upset residents local to their party office by dumping huge volumes of their lying leaflets onto the pavement.

Lobster Blogster felt this all needed further investigation, so he went along to the party office to discover this!

Not only has a party activist driving L892 VFL illegally mounted the pavement where there are no dropped kerbs, it has parked on a part of the pavement clearly marked with single yellow "No parking" lines (the picture was taken at about 10.05 today, when the parking restriction is in force). Furthermore the sign in the window of their office just happens to be another lie.

Because the ward in which the picture is taken, Callowland, just happens to be the only ward in Watford where there are no Lib Dem councillors. We've got three Greens, thank you very much. And we've got a Green County Councillor, and even a Labour MP. Lib Dems winning here? They've never won here ever!

Lib Dems in Watford are liars - it's official. The Lobster read it first in the Watford Observer, but has been amused to see it quoted on Conservative Home, on Tom Watson MP and even little Kerron Cross.

Now I must look up the number for the party office and ask them where I can get help about illegally parked cars ...

Welcome Back

2007-10-08T15:22:00.000+05:45

Britain's former ambassador to Uzbekistan gets a voice again back at:

craigmurray.org.uk

A big "Hello" from the Lobster and all your fans across the blogosphere.

PS: the Lobster is meant to be off work sick today, but somehow a 1pm appointment at Trafalgar Square is begging. It's time to join the hand of history ....

Bullshitter of the Year Award

2007-09-26T23:42:00.000+05:45

Top London Lawyers, Schillings, have just become the winners of Lobster Blogster's exclusive "Bullshitter of the Year" award.

With respect to Craig Murray's allegation that "Alisher Usmanov, potential Arsenal chairman, is a Vicious Thug, Criminal, Racketeer, Heroin Trafficker and Accused Rapist" the skillful lawyers have defended their client with this gem:

Laura Tyler, of Schillings, said they did not intend to sue Murray directly because they did not want to give him a platform to express his views.

A quick Google shows that at least 800 blogs, websites and news outlets are quoting Craig's allegations directly.

A big "Well Done!" should go to everyone involved :)

Don't Forget
We are still looking to award a prize in the "Internet Host Most Likely to Delete First and Ask Questions Later" category. Do our readers have any suggestions?

Climate Change Denier Has Raw Nerves

2007-09-26T04:10:00.000+05:45

Whoops! Lobster Blogster seems to have hit a raw nerve with climate change denier Iain Dale. Iain takes money from APCO, but he just hates to admit it in public. See Omar's blog for a bit of background. Dale denies knowing who APCO's clients are, but Dale's famous book on blogging is, er, sponsored by APCO!

If you really want to know who APCO's clients are, you could do worse than read George Monbiot's Guardian Unlimited article "The Denial Industry".

Creepy Lawyers Pay a Visit!

2007-09-25T00:28:00.000+05:45

Top London lawyers Schillings dropped by to Lobster Blogster today, but they forgot to say "Hello". Creepy! Details of Schillings every movement can be found on Chicken Yoghurt.

Just in case you are interested (and who wouldn't be!), Schillings IP address is 217.33.207.164, their ISP is called Ftip002952383 Schillings Ltd, and the employee was lazily Googling to fill up the time before they filled their fat belly for lunch.

http://www.google.co.uk/search?q=potential arsenal chairman Alisher Usmanov&num=30&hl=en&safe=off&as_qdr=all&start=90&sa=N

Onepela Legil Notis

2007-09-23T14:01:00.000+05:45

Lobster Blogster got an urgent message from his "legal people" recently. It said:

"Gday Lobstablogsta, onepela big fat uzbecki crook bloke, Alisher Usmanov, writim long "Sue, Grabbit and Run" tripela big problem.Onepela big fat uzbecki crook bloke, Alisher Usmanov, tripela angri long lobstablogsta.Onepela big fat uzbecki crook bloke, Alisher Usmanov, writim tripela letta. Big fat uzbecki crook wantim tripela moni."

Heard and MacDonald Island legislation now requires that provocative blogs publish an e-mail address for legal notices to be served. In order to comply with these new requirements Lobster Blogster advises all potential litigants to contact:

SueGrabbit&Run@hertfordshire.freeserve.co.uk

Warning: sports.aol.com is a Probable Phishing Site

2007-09-22T06:29:00.000+05:45

Lobster Blogster tried to post yesterday to the following web page in support of Craig Murray. The site returned a message to say the post was successful and that a confirmation e-mail would be sent in order to activate the comment. None ever arrived.

sports.aol.com/fanhouse/2007/09/19/craig-murray-is-just-begging-to-get-sued/

There are no comments listed on this site. Have any other bloggers noticed the same here?

Lobster Blogster suspects sports.aol.com is a phishing site to collect names and e-mail addresses. Please avoid commenting on sports.aol.com until the owner explains the absence of any comments on the site.

Yet More Schillings Bollocks

2007-09-21T12:33:00.000+05:45

Reposted from Craig Murray

On my article about Alisher Usmanov which so incensed his lawyers Schillings, let me ask this question. Has anybody seen an argument posted or published from any credible source to argue that what I say about Usmanov is untrue?

I ask the question because one of the edits to this log my webhost made at Schillings' behest was to say that my claim was "regarded as false by many people". I have altered that edit, because there is no justification for such a claim. I have yet to see evidence of anybody, not one solitary person, arguing that I am wrong about Usmanov, other than his lawyers. Who are these "Many people", and why are they peculiarly silent?

I am very sympathetic to my webhost having to change things for Schillings, but not to the extent of altering things to become defamatory of me!!!

Posted by craig on 3:14 PM 14/09/07

A response to this posting can be found in Chicken Yoghurt here.

Alisher Usmanov: Alisher Usmanov, potential Arsenal chairman, is a Vicious Thug, Criminal, Racketeer, Heroin Trafficker and Accused Rapist

2007-09-21T03:10:00.000+05:45

Reposted from Craig Murray

"I thought I should make my views on Alisher Usmanov quite plain to you. You are unlikely to see much plain talking on Usmanov elsewhere in the media becuase he has already used his billions and his lawyers in a pre-emptive strike. They have written to all major UK newspapers, including the latter:

“Mr Usmanov was imprisoned for various offences under the old Soviet regime. We wish to make it clear our client did not commit any of the offences with which he was charged. He was fully pardoned after President Mikhail Gorbachev took office. All references to these matters have now been expunged from police records . . . Mr Usmanov does not have any criminal record.”

Let me make it quite clear that Alisher Usmanov is a criminal. He was in no sense a political prisoner, but a gangster and racketeer who rightly did six years in jail. The lawyers cunningly evoke "Gorbachev", a name respected in the West, to make us think that justice prevailed. That is completely untrue.

Usmanov's pardon was nothing to do with Gorbachev. It was achieved through the growing autonomy of another thug, President Karimov, at first President of the Uzbek Soviet Socilist Republic and from 1991 President of Uzbekistan. Karimov ordered the "Pardon" because of his alliance with Usmanov's mentor, Uzbek mafia boss and major international heroin overlord Gafur Rakimov. Far from being on Gorbachev's side, Karimov was one of the Politburo hardliners who had Gorbachev arrested in the attempted coup that was thwarted by Yeltsin standing on the tanks outside the White House.

Usmanov is just a criminal whose gangster connections with one of the World's most corrupt regimes got him out of jail. He then plunged into the "privatisation" process at a time when gangster muscle was used to secure physical control of assets, and the alliance between the Russian Mafia and Russian security services was being formed.

Usmanov has two key alliances. he is very close indeed to President Karimov, and especially to his daughter Gulnara. It was Usmanov who engineered the 2005 diplomatic reversal in which the United States was kicked out of its airbase in Uzbekistan and Gazprom took over the country's natural gas assets. Usmanov, as chairman of Gazprom Investholdings paid a bribe of $88 million to Gulnara Karimova to secure this. This is set out on page 366 of Murder in Samarkand.

Alisher Usmanov had risen to chair of Gazprom Investholdings because of his close personal friendship with Putin, He had accessed Putin through Putin's long time secretary and now chef de cabinet, Piotr Jastrzebski. Usmanov and Jastrzebski were roommates at college. Gazprominvestholdings is the group that handles Gazproms interests outside Russia, Usmanov's role is, in effect, to handle Gazprom's bribery and sleaze on the international arena, and the use of gas supply cuts as a threat to uncooperative satellite states.

Gazprom has also been the tool which Putin has used to attack internal democracy and close down the independent media in Russia. Gazprom has bought out - with the owners having no choice - the only independent national TV station and numerous rgional TV stations, several radio stations and two formerly independent national newspapers. These have been changed into slavish adulation of Putin. Usmanov helped accomplish this through Gazprom. The major financial newspaper, Kommersant, he bought personally. He immediately replaced the editor-in-chief with a pro-Putin hack, and three months later the long-serving campaigning defence correspondent, Ivan Safronov, mysteriously fell to his death from a window.

All this, both on Gazprom and the journalist's death, is set out in great detail here:
http://www.craigmurray.co.uk/archives/2007/06/russian_journal.html

Usmanov is also dogged by the widespread belief in Uzbekistan that he was guilty of a particularly atrocious rape, which was covered up and the victim and others in the know disappeared. The sad thing is that this is not particularly remarkable. Rape by the powerful is an everyday hazard in Uzbekistan, again as outlined in Murder in Samarkand page 120. If anyone has more detail on the specific case involving Usmanov please add a comment.

I reported back in 2002 or 2003 in an Ambassadorial top secret telegram to the Foreign Office that Usmanov was the most likely favoured successor of President Karimov as totalitarian leader of Uzbekistan. I also outlined the Gazprom deal (before it happened) and the present by Usmanov to Putin (though in Jastrzebski's name) of half of Mapobank, a Russian commercial bank owned by Usmanov. I will never forget the priceless reply from our Embassy in Moscow. They said that they had never even heard of Alisher Usmanov, and that Jastrzebski was a jolly nice friend of the Ambassador who would never do anything crooked.

Sadly, I expect the football authorities will be as purblind. Football now is about nothing but money, and even Arsenal supporters - as tight-knit and homespun a football community as any - can be heard saying they don't care where the money comes from as long as they can compete with Chelsea.

I fear that is very wrong. Letting as diseased a figure as Alisher Usmanov into your club can only do harm in the long term."

Last Days In Office

2007-06-04T22:27:00.000+05:45

Mr and Mrs Blair are looking forward to the time when Mr Blair leaves office. Here's a picture of how it might well look on the day.

Source: Naked Blair at centre of art show

Flags Re-United

2007-03-22T21:19:00.000+05:45

Whilst have a mooch around Wikipedia today, using the Lobster Blogster's brand new sock-puppet account of course, the lobster came across the following flag:

Clearly it is the property of an anglo-american-hindu group. By publicising this image we can all help to rehablitate the image of the swastika, the union flag and old glory, all of which have taken a bit of a battering in recent times. If you would like to see the image in situ, see here.

Thought for the day

2007-03-22T17:18:00.000+05:45

Picture supplied by Kim, Niff's daughter.

Nascot Wood...

2007-03-22T17:09:00.000+05:45

...Eco-Arts Project is now officially open.

Come on kids! Get painting :o)

Lobster in Trouble Again!

2007-03-21T14:25:00.001+05:45

Oh dear! The lobster seems to be in trouble again. Now it's with Wikipedia. Lobster Blogster's efforts to update one or two bits seem to have resulted in an indefinate ban being put upon him. It seems that by linking the name Paul Delaire Staines to the BNP one or two other wikipedians see it as problematic. Never mind, worse things happen at sea.

It could well be time to go and find a safe rock to crawl under...
________________________________________________
UPDATE 1.
The rock duly arrived in the form of needing to reboot the
lobster's modem. Probably some sand or a bit of seaweed got
caught in the cogs. The problem seems to have fixed itself now,
and as a by-product the lobster gets a new IP address. So its
straight back into Wikipedia to cause more mayhem there. Has
anyone worked out who Lobster Blogster's latest wikipedia
sock-puppet is yet?

A prize for anyone who enters the correct name in the comments
below! :o)

The Trouble With Tony Blair Is...

2007-03-19T02:51:00.000+05:45

... he's just so damn rude. The lobster sent him a perfectly nice letter back on the 26th Feb, it's three weeks later now, and the man hasn't even bothered to acknowledge, let alone reply. We seem to have an "oik" for Prime Minister, surrounded by hundreds of civil servants, and not one has the decency to drop the lobster a quick line to say his letter has arrived.

There, got that off my chest, now it's time to put some supper on... :o)

Watford Lib Dems Are Tree Vandals

2007-03-17T14:14:00.000+05:45

Lobster Blogster produced this image around three years ago,
when the nutjobs at Watford Borough Council refused to warn
people in the "green bin" scheme of the dangers of Japanese
Knotweed. Eventually the DEFRA stepped in and gave them a
ticking off. Fat lot of good it did though, because now we have
knotweed in a building site right opposite the town hall.

During the week the lobster learnt that a crazy planning
permission has gone through, whereby over a hundred
"protected" trees are to be cut down. Clearly the value of a
Tree Protection Order is precisely zero, when you have a
town run by Liberal Democrats.

The Leader of the Lib Dems in Watford, and wife of the
mayor, runs a blog where he spouts facile drivel week
in week out. Perhaps the lobster needs to add an new
section in his "Top Blogs" bit forbloggers that emit
meaningless twaddle whilst developers go around chopping
down beautiful trees.
________________________________________________
UPDATE 1.
The Communities and Local Government website have a
publication called Tree Preservation Orders: A Guide to the
Law and Good Practice. It is available online in both Word and
PDF formats.

Watford Borough Council's guidance on TPO can
be found here.

More Tosh From Guido and Daley

2007-03-16T06:22:00.000+05:45

Iain Dale was spouting some old tosh along the lines that all bloggers censor their comments the other day. How does he know, does he read all blogs?

And then Lobster Blogster spotted a certain comment by Guido Fawkes Esq. Aha thought the lobster, a good chance to test the limits of Daley's self censorship regime. So the lobster posted the following comment (only one typo).

What are the chances that this particular comment will be airbrushed away by morning time? Does the pope shit in the woods? etc. etc.

Little Story About a Big Squid

2007-03-16T05:45:00.000+05:45

Some rather excitable journalist at the BBC went off into one about a squid with an eating disorder, and completely missed the scoop of the year that "a London Bus was found floating on the Ross Sea!". The Sperm whale who was asked for his reaction said: "You wait all day for a squid to come along, and then three come along all at once!"

Important News for Fans of Marine Animation

2007-03-14T09:46:00.000+05:45

The guy that designed this has totally lost the plot. Go to www.geocities.com/bobtegner/ for more watery fun :0)

Goodness Gracious Me

2007-03-13T22:05:00.000+05:45

Bought a record today, and the first track on it was Peter Sellers and Sophia Loren singing "Goodness Gracious Me".

£4.99! A real bargain.

Venues in Watford with 200 Plus seats

2007-03-13T20:01:00.000+05:45

The Lobster has been tasked with finding a venue in
or around Watford to show Al Gore's film, "An
Inconvenient Truth". To make the exercise worthwhile,
the venue would be able to hold 200 or more people.

_____________________________________________________
Possible locations are:

Vue cinema in Garston

Lecture Theatre at Post-grad Centre, Watford General Hospital
- seats 100

Meriden Centre
- seats 200 at a push, £150 to hire + £150 deposit
7pm - 11.30pm, no tickets on door

_____________________________________________________
Ruled out are:

The Colosseum
- small hall is c.£800

West Herts College
- completely unhelpful (as expected!)

The Pump House
- too small, but could possibly work with
two sittings

YMCA
- no longer let out function rooms

Watford Palace Theatre
- 650 seats, c.£1,000-£1,500 - out of our price range

_____________________________________________________
Need investigating are:

School halls
Church halls

All other suggestions will be gratefully received ;0)

Dirty Little Secret

2007-03-13T16:43:00.000+05:45

Iain Dale has a "dirty little secret". Would you like to know what it is?

Junk Mail

2007-03-12T12:13:00.000+05:45

Here's a sad thing:

http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/UK-mailing-db/

No one has signed the lobster's petition.

Oh, well...

UPDATE 1.
If you want to read why the government won't be banning junk mail (as suggested by Kat below), read the PM's e-petition response here.

UPDATE 2.
The lobster has had a petition rejected. See here for the lobster's proposal to make lying illegal :o)

UPDATE 3.
Here's the "more details" bit of the unsolicited mail petition properly formatted:
__________________________________________________________

The Prime Minister shall make it his responsibility to:

1) Set up a national database of UK addresses where the owner or occupier would prefer not to receive junk mail.
... a) Definition 1: junk mail
Items of non-addressed printed material which is delivered to an address, without the owner or occupier’s prior consent.
... b) Categories of junk mail which an owner or occupier may or may not chose to accept are listed at item 4) .

2) Require the Home Secretary to take responsibility for administering the database.
... a) by asking the Police and Security Services to address and to advise on issues of security, as and when they arise.
... b) by using the existing database, wherever possible, so as to minimise the cost to the exchequer.

3) Require the Environment Secretary to inform the operation of the database so that it works effectively at a national, local authority and local community level.
... a) by asking for the co-operation of existing UK organisations, bodies and groups who would be willing to participate in such a venture.
... b) by co-ordinating efforts to maintain said database, and to report to the government on the efficiency of the database.

4) Categories of non-addressed mail should include, but not be limited to:
... a) Commercial advertising
... b) Appeals by bodies of a charitable nature
... c) Information from a local authority where it under no legal obligation to supply (i.e. information about new services, regular mailings or brochures, surveys etc.)
... d) Material circulated by political parties
... e) Newsletters, petitions, advance notice of social activities and similar which may on an occasional basis be circulated by volunteers to a local area or neighbourhood
__________________________________________________________

Mr Bear and Barbie...

2007-03-06T22:04:00.000+05:45

Mr Bear and Barbie are shacked up in the lobster's wardrobe just at the moment. Here they are having a bath together.

They seem to be quite content, so I'll just leave them to it.

Due for Demolition

2007-03-06T21:19:00.000+05:45

The compost heap on the left of this photo is due for demolition. The whole area is due to be re-developed during the spring. Isn't it a shame when this happens?

Relegation to Ryman League Confirmed

2007-03-05T15:37:00.000+05:45

Remove Stain[e]s As You Vacuum

2007-03-05T15:19:00.000+05:45

Lobster Blogster says: "No comment!"

Nascot Land Grab

2007-03-05T14:10:00.000+05:45

Lobster Blogster has been asked by Sally Ivins to post some campaign material which relates to developers greedily grabbing gardens and other open space for profit, in her locality, which is the Nascot ward of central Watford.

Click on either image to enlarge and read, or to print off your own copies. The two images could be printed back to back to make an A5 leaflet, or side-by-side as one side of an A4 sheet.

Apologies to Sally for the delay in posting here. LB's scanner is broken, and all efforts to photograph the images failed. Fortunately Cllr. Ken assisted and supplied good images to post on the marine crustacean's blog...

Omar's Blog - It's Good!

2007-02-28T16:59:00.000+05:45

Omar is the first blogger to receive the Lobster Blogster "Seal of Approval". Well done Omar, your blog is well laid out, quotes the source of material where appropriate and is pleasing to the eye. Three cheers for Omar!!!

Lobster Blogster plans to make a little icon to put in LB's top blogs section, to help you spot him and track down his excellent blog. Today Omar has an interview with David Coats, who is an associate director of The Work Foundation.

PS: The lobster promises to have a go at improving his claw-writing, which looks very spidery above, does anyone have any tips?

Tory Student Leader In Racist Party 'Link'

2007-02-28T07:17:00.000+05:45

EXCLUSIVE: that Guardian article they are all talking about.
________
Update 1. Monday (Понеделник) 5th March (Март) 2007
The battle still rages on Wikipedia to get quotes from this article added onto the Paul Staines page. See here for the current page, and here for the discussion. Tip check out the history to see how several users are battling hard to whitewash Staines' past cleaner than clean!
Update 2. Wednesday (Четвъвтък) 22 March (Март) 2007
Iain "Arfur" Daley has allowed a discussion about the Staines/BNP link on this post. This should help to settle a few nerves of people who believe that by linking to a libellous story, they might also be commiting libel. It's nonsense of course (something which Staines is an expert at inventing). It's akin to saying that if your newspaper commits a libel, you are repeating that libel when you read the libellous article. Don't worry you're not. I'm just giving you an example.

Having proved one point that linking a blog to defamatory material is not in itself defamatory, it is now incumbent upon the lobster to demostrate his major point, that the Guardian 1986 DID NOT libel Paul Delaire Staines. Keep watching this space for further updates.

Arachnophobics Beware!

2007-02-27T15:49:00.000+05:45

Will She, Won't She?

2007-02-23T11:06:00.000+05:45

Who knows?
And then again who cares?

Agents Pogsurf,

Nssdfdsfds

and Clairwil have all been working on this problemette for some time now.

It's been a good training exercise, but skip would like everyone back at the hut by 7.30pm tonight, and he can't until all the issues have been resolved.
______________________________________________
(incidentally, LOBSTER BLOGSTER, has only got a passing interest in these matters. He has been doing some research into the early activities of the Football Association: you know the sort of thing, "The Imperial Way Cup, 1953", unit van found on mars, Graham Warner ate my Hamster, etc.. etc.. ad infinitum and just happened to stumble upon a purveyor of cups and medal who helped confirm his suspicions!)
______

However, we now have reached a stumbling block. The Pinko Liberals, self confessed "Guardians" of the blogoshpere have got the whole of wackipedia tied up into so many knots, that nothing ever happens there. Perfectly innocent attempts to add references to the lobster's own career (and who can forget cubs v. school, unit v. unit or the "Last Apostles of Vidal" v. 'Pete's Perverts', certainly not me Ron, I was there, but didn't the Baptists put up a dirty fight, Gange?)

Guardianistas wave in from time to time, as iff putting pen to paper was some great effort on their part, liberal liberals (nihilists: geddit?) think thet help by waffling on too. But who amongst them has produced so much as a penny whistle, a tree house or even a cup mug for their efforts. Now I know that our team occassionaly throw stones, trip up old ladies, and break into MI5 headquarters to help friendly politicians, school chums and just all round bad un's that we need on our side.

The marine blogoshpere's equivalent of Kendo Nagasaki, but with seaweed curtains, and a bit of old driftwood carved into a recognisable object, has tried to do his bit. Remember we are looking for items of your own handicraft, which are verifiably yours. Even the BALMORAL ROAD BROADSHEET has agreed to come on board with this now. He just happens to be the UK's top fact machine: ask him about the recent decession to award equal pay to ladies in Great Britain's finest lawn tennis event: Wombleden! Good on them, I say, as long as we all can still peep up their skirts when they lean over to smash a 300mph volley into the known lezzers groin area...

If you can assist the lobster to post a minor amendment to "Staines v. State", he and his missus would be eternally greetful. Kevin Koala very kindly agreed last night to verify the evidence for me, I in turn am working on a set of new passport photos for him.

The Task
_______:
To insert into wikipedia, or similiar, an authoritative reference to the effect that the guardian article of 1986 IS true: beware, YOU might just get your arse bitten off by this. Don't come weeping to me about this when you are Elvis and I am transmogrified into a warbled version of the third Queen of Shiba#.

The Rules: no biting, no chewing, no dimemberment (especially if you say you don't believe in it). A little bit of tickling, cock-teasing and brick lobbing is OK, especially if you look part ie: sad gypo, pikey wide boy, "additional staff" at Tescos.

In the words of Mr Alan Bennett, respected playwright and author of "Enjoy", Enjoy. From the blogging lobster, fishy character who verifiably "off-shore": BOOT BOYS RULE, YEH! Come on you 'orns. Bugger Barnes, Blissett was better. NASTY NAZIS SCARE RUBBERMEN LIBERALS. Cucumbers are now sold "unwrapped" at Tescos. FISHY LITTLE SMELLS SEND SHARKS INTO WATERS. aND ENJOY...

---------
Anyone at GW's do on Sat, I bumped into Al from Westfield Ave. the other weak. Any "goss" on julie et al...
(pst: you neeeeever heard it here!)
- - - -
Can't decide whether to pickle onions today, or slap a bit of paint on a "Parker Street": any suggestions?
________
Update 1: managed to get the label on 1 jar of Alison's Famous Pickled Onions.

Enjoy

2007-02-22T09:29:00.000+05:45

Yesterday, Lobster Blogster's missus dragged him down to see Alan Bennett's new play Enjoy, which is showing for the first time at Watford Palace Theatre. If you want to look at a fat old bloke having his kegs and giant white pants stripped off by two old birds who then spend half the play marvelling at the size of his erection, this is the play for you.

The play also includes a bird trying to get it on with her brother or sister (I can't remember which), shagging on stage and a little scrout who deserves a good kick in the balls pissing IN through the letter box. The scenery was naff, most of it had to be hauled off stage by the actors themselves, and most of the audience were ponces. Oh, I nearly forgot to say there was one good bit when the grumpy old git got a good punch in the head.

There is no evidence that WBC is actually going to close this FILTH down, yet. This is despite the fact that most of the cast are being very closely "monitored" during the performance. The end bit made me cringe, all I could think was that this is the sort of FILTH that liberal bananacrats would find funny, wouldn't they? Its got so much FILTH in it that I can't even be bothered to write into the wangly old Watford Observer and complain.

Should this flag be banned?

2007-02-22T06:49:00.000+05:45

To the right of the screen is displayed a flag very similar to that of the Nazi's. It's important to notice the difference between this flag and that of the image which was recently banned by the EU. Two of the verticals (NW+SE) are disjointed from the cross member by a few pixels. It's the sort of thing that could be fixed by polyfiller, a black undercoat, and then a final coating of a good Matt black paint. Remember to smooth the image down between coats. It is suggested that the arm to right and down (SE) should be replaced by an arm approximately 1/18 of an inch wider. I expect that some of our more observant readers will have already started work sanding the top upright vertical (N) in order to acheived a more finished look.

Any readers who may have spotted the finished article being circulated, are welcome to send them in to the Lobster for "treatment". If they claim to belong to an organisation called the BNP, please pass on this simple message: my dad was in the Hitler yuf, pal, then the German army, not Eton. he fought with a machine gun unit on the Russian front and was shot in the leg for his troubles. he spent the end of the war in a prisoner of war camp which was like Butlins after that lot. If you still fink your hard, drop round my gaff for an arm wrestle and a glass of ale.

For reference, the nazi flag supplied is 5 1/2 inches wide and 3 3/4 inches high (when measured from the flagpole side only). A full reference for the veracity of this article can be supplied via the British Library (Unusual) Collections §Пог§.

_______________________________"___________________________________

UPDATE !: the lobster now believes he lives within walking distance of the Furher bunker. He expects to have enough time to crawl over there to take a closer look towards the end of the week...

Bit of a Slow Day Here at Lobster Blogster central

2007-02-20T21:53:00.000+05:45

With nothing much else to do today, the lobster decided to launch a petition.
Then it got stuck in the 10 Downing Street letterbox.
It was about stopping junk mail.

Guardianistas may discuss!

Lobster Blogster May Get Relegated From The Premier League

2007-02-19T18:09:00.000+05:45

Oh dear, the lobster seems to have taken the whole blogwars thing
a little bit to far when he accused Iain Dale of "preparing to commit
future war crime atrocities". Iain had just mentioned himself in
connection with Henry Kissenger, to which the lobster (in a very silly
frame of mind I might add) needlessly commented:

Dynamite was tickled, and now the whole thing has got out of
hand. Iain won't talk to the blogging lobster, even for the most
inane of comments. It is feared that the lobsters prized place,
squeezed as this blog is between the two giants of the political
blogosphere Jeffrey Archer [link not found] and Peter Hitchens, will
be lost. The lobster fears an immediate red card and relegation
to the Ryman League.

The lobster has been very naughty here, and says sorry for a
mischievous comment completely out context. Remember the
lobster never practices what he preaches, so let's all try and
make the marine blogosphere a nicer place...

Full story: Iain Dale's Diary: There's Only One Peter Hitchens

Ugly Rumours and the Leader of the Labour Party

2007-02-19T04:07:00.000+05:45

Scurrilous Blogs and the Conservatives

2007-02-17T16:31:00.000+05:45

Lobster Blogster has come to learn that a scurrilous rumour is circulating the internet, namely that Paul Delaire-Staines (Federation of Conservative Students, University of Hull, 1986) was 'a bit daft and naive as student' [sic].

Being handy for marine creatures the lobster briefly attended Hull University a few years previously. It is simply outrageous that Mr Staines should be slandered in this way, and that Hull University Federation of Conservative Students should be dragged through the mud of the Humber estuary.

The lobster was tempted not even to link to the wicked blog that is circulating these evil slurs, but because the whole marine blogosphere should know that a girl (heck, let the feminists fulminate!), a girl! has taken to abusing Mr Delaire-Staines in this way I have decided to add a reference merely as a footnote.

The lobster is tempted to return his qualification to Hull University forthwith, if this mighty instition of learning does not join the fight to defend Mr Staine's honour, except er, the lobster did not exactly get a qualification from marine learning's centre of excellence.

The lobster has no idea how this will affect Mr Staine's current standing. Presumably his is a pillar of the community by now, exposing fine conservative values, and standing up for what is right and decent.

If anyone has heard of the whereabouts of Mr Paul Delaire Staines, or even what happened to the Federation of Conservative Students (no one seems to mention them anymore?) they are very welcome to get in touch.

Astro-turfers, trolls and slime maggots who hang around blogs like this girly one need not apply!

Please note: the lobster will be conducting important research at North Watford Public Library today in order to check the veracity of this wicked libel.

Ships In The Night

2007-02-16T09:43:00.000+05:45

Hi, quick message for Mike

Followed you on a thread, not sure if you got my message.

Best place to get an e-mail address or phone number is via Rob.

Sure to bump into you soon, anyway

The Lobster

This Looks Like Fun

2007-02-15T08:06:00.000+05:45

Lobster Blogster Moves Fifteen Places Up the Iain Dale Rankings

2007-01-19T20:03:00.000+05:45

Lobster Blogster seems to have got tangled up in a blog war. The good news however is that it has done no end of good to his personal popularity, as measured by page loads or hits.

See below how Friday has actually been the highest for the whole half-week.

All blog rankings are administered by Iain Dale. When he hasn't got anything to say he just makes stuff up. He's practicing to become a Tory MP.

If...

2007-01-05T05:17:00.000+05:45

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

Rudyard Kipling 1909

This Year's Pantomime Will Be ...

2006-12-28T05:35:00.000+05:45

... the Home Secretary who cried ...

Wolf!

Sir Ian Blair has already warned us its about to happen.

Tony Blair has gone on holiday.

(Does this plot sound a little bit familiar? A good pantomime always relies on most of the audience knowing exactly what will come next.)

Doctor John Reid has his fingers crossed that some crisis will just happen to come along and he can scare the living daylights out of us all again.

Enjoy the panto season!!!

Crisis Needed, Please Help

2006-11-14T07:30:00.000+05:45

In his world affairs speech to the Lord Mayor's banquet, Tony Blair said of Iran:

Instead they are using the pressure points in the region to thwart us. So they help the most extreme elements of Hamas in Palestine; Hizbollah in the Lebanon; Shia militia in Iraq. That way, they put obstacles in the path to peace, paint us, as they did over the Israel/Lebanon conflict, as the aggressors, inflame the Arab street and create political turmoil in our democratic politics.
(Lobster's emphasis)

Iran is creating political turmoil in our democratic politics? What can Mr Blair mean? The most recent political change we have seen is the overturning of the Republican majorities in the two houses of the US government. Or could he possibly mean the domestic turmoil of August and September he suffered at the hands of his Labour Party colleagues? Curious to think that this was the work of President Ahmadinejad all along.

So what political turmoil is Blair referring to? Or is he perhaps hoping for some democratic crisis to come along, to prop up his ailing legacy?

Should Blair Hang?

2006-11-10T06:49:00.000+05:45

A rather flustered looking Mr Blair struggled recently to answer a question about whether Saddam Hussein should go to the gallows. It made the lobster wonder whether the Prime Minister's thoughts were a little closer to home when he tried to answer the question.

Back in 1998 an international legal precedent was set in Britain when Augusto Pinochet was arrested. Pinochet claimed immunity from prosecution as a former head of state. After a 16 month battle, the international arrest warrant was ruled to be legal, and the extradition to send the former dictator to Spain for trial proceeded (he was to eventually evade justice on medical grounds). Could this legal precedent come back to haunt the Labour leader?

More recently, Democratic politicians in the US had been calling for George Bush's impeachment for "high crimes and misdemeanours" over the war in Iraq. But in the run up to the 2006 mid-term elections, incoming House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi said:

"I have said, and I say again, that impeachment is off the table"

And then the Democrats won. In the post-election aftermath Donald Rumsfeld was resigned. Doesn't it look just a little bit like the Democrats, now in the majority in both houses of the US government, might have done a doing deal with Mr Bush?

So if Mr Bush is not guilty of initiating a war of aggression in Iraq, who is? The Democrats in Washington are working hard to build a consensus with the Republican President; who are they now going to blame for the disaster that is Iraq? For a long time now we have had the image of Tony Blair being Bush's poodle. How long before someone over the other side of the pond suggests that the decisions leading to the Iraq war was really a case of the tail wagging the dog?

Deceived or deluded?

2006-10-31T19:45:00.000+05:45

SNP Leader Alex Salmond thinks he might have a way to find out the answer.

... and of none.

2006-10-30T14:20:00.000+05:45

A curious phrase has entered the nation's consciousness recently: "... and of none."

It is used by those who have imaginary friends, in order to refer sensitively to those who don't. It is used almost exclusively in the following way. Suppose you want to talk about everyone apart from those who believe in your particular imaginary friend. You would say:

"... those whose beliefs are of other imaginary friends, and of none."

Here's an example from Guardian Unlimited:

Faith schools
Junior education minister Lord Adonis outlined plans to encourage new faith schools to offer at least a quarter of their places to pupils of other faiths and of none, insisting: "There will be no quotas and there will be no bussing." He said consultations were continuing on a proposed government amendment to the education and inspections bill, allowing local education authorities to set the pace.

Man the Lifeboats

2006-10-27T05:28:00.000+05:45

Matthew Parris always did have a nice turn of phrase. Last week in the Times he came up with:

They are building a lifeboat for their reputations.

The good ship Neocon is going down...

Iraq: The Real Story

2006-10-26T01:34:00.000+05:45

Want to see first hand how the US loses the support of the local Iraq population in the northern region of Iraq around Hawija and Tikrit?

Sean Smith has made an eight minute video whilst embedded recently with the 101st Airborne..

See the video here. Further commentary on the video by Greg Mitchell.

Jack Straw?

2006-10-24T22:02:00.000+05:45

Jack Straw?
Am I bovvered? Am I bovvered, though? Do I look bovvered?

Trevor Phillips?
Am I bovvered, though, Look at my face, does it look bovvered, though? Look at my face. Look at my face. Look at my face, though.

Shadid Malik?
Does any part of it look bovvered? Am I bovvered? Ask me if I'm bovvered. Go on, ask me if I'm bovvered. Ask me. Ask me if I'm bovvered.

Brave Englishman Removes Veil

2006-10-13T06:32:00.000+05:45

Former Foreign Secretary Jack Straw says he felt uncomfortable when people wore a veil, and has asked that for the sake of community cohesion they should be removed.

This man has taken the brave step of removing his veil. Read his story here...

Sir Richard Dannatt, Chief of the General Staff

Greens Warn of 'Species Threat'

2006-09-24T05:43:00.000+05:45

Humans could cease to be the "dominant species" on Earth because of the environmental damage they are causing, the Green Party conference has heard.

(cartoon from The Times, news item from the BBC)

Ambassadors Too Radical For New Labour

2006-09-24T05:29:00.000+05:45

From the Sunday Times:

Sir Ivor Roberts, the retiring [British] ambassador to Italy, used his last official dispatch to accuse Labour of damaging British interests by ignoring expert advice.

and:

This weekend the Foreign Office confirmed that valedictory dispatches had been discontinued.

Now even British ambassadors have to be silenced, ending the centuries old tradition of valedictory addresses. Wouldn't it be simpler just to sack Mr Blair?

Travel News: Hand Luggage Restrictions Eased

2006-09-21T18:33:00.000+05:45

Now that Doctor Reid has given a lecture to Muslims on how to bring up their kids properly UK airports are a lot safer.

This means that the following items are now allowed on board aircraft as hand luggage:

Small Roller Suitcases
Prescrition medicines
Baby milk
and musical instruments ...

Welcome on board Mr Capone!

If you would like to purchase the specially padded violin case, please click on the image. A full range of firearms are also available.

Please note that because of the likelihood that passengers will still be tempted to construct deadly toothpaste bombs in the aircraft toilets the following item remains banned:

Hugo Tells It Like It Is

2006-09-21T16:12:00.000+05:45

Hugo Chávez, the President of Venezula, had a nasty experience at the General Assembly of the UN on Wednesday. He went along, only to find there was a very strong smell of sulphur.

36 Short

2006-09-20T23:21:00.000+05:45

The Daily (Maybe) is on a mission to seek out the top 100 Green Blogs in the UK. The current list looks something like this. If you spot another one, please drop a line to Jim at his blog.

Alternative Energy Blog
Andrea Claire Smith
Andy D'Agorne
Another Green World
Blogging Green
Camden Kiwi
Caroline Lucas
Charlie Bolton
Chris Lang
City Hippy
Climate Denial
Croyden Greens
Cycling London
Dickon Edwards
Dispatches from the cat
Earthquake Cove
Easy ways to save the world
Eat the suburbs
Eco Echo
Eco Street
Ecomonkey
Ellee Seymour
Fairfield Life
George Monbiot
Grains of Sand
Green Ladywell
Green Living UK
Green Mummy
Green the Health Service
Greenman's Occasional Organ
Human Tide
Incurable hippie

Insatiable Yucca
Karavans
Kitchen Witch
Little Green House
Lobster Blogger
London Cycling Diary
Mark Lynas
Matthew Sellwood
Mersey Basin Campaign
Metaphysics as a guide to lunch
MooMooMagic
Natural capital
Not a load of rubbish
Off Grid
Organic Jac
Paul Kingsnorth
Peter Tatchell
Philobiblon
Richard Lawson
Rob Edwards
Ruscombe Green
Save the Ribble
Scorched Earth
Social Dynamism
Stoat
Sutton Greens
The Coffee House
The Green Guy
The last tree
The Void
The Past; Present; and Future
Transition culture
Wild Berries

Don't Forget ...

2006-09-19T16:27:00.000+05:45

... to give someone you love a call ...

Yo Ho Ho Blair!

2006-09-19T15:32:00.000+05:45

Apparently its world talk like a pirate day :o)

New World Order

2006-09-19T13:55:00.001+05:45

It's quite good idea if your heroes are also ordinary people. It means that if you want to speak to them some time, you can just stop them and ask them what they think or feel about a particular subject, and they will reply to you in simple terms which you can understand. Lobster Blogster has spoken a couple of times to Brian Haw for instance. He's the man who has stood outside the House of Commons for the past five years because he believes that bombing Iraq is wrong. Speaking to Brian can be a challenge, however, because you cannot come away without feeling his burning anger at the need for him to stand there. He doesn't want to be there, but he has too stay, because he thinks the truth should be heard.

So it was with great pleasure that Lobster Blogster had the chance to speak briefly to someone last night who is also helping that truth to be heard. Craig Murray was Britain's ambassador to Uzbekistan from 2002 to 2004. Craig has gone through quite a journey since that time. During the build up to the American and British invasion of Iraq he became aware that Britain was relying upon fabricated intelligence which was obtained through torture. He felt that this was wrong in the moral sense, and wrong again in the operational sense. Following a campaign by the Foreign Office first to discredit him and then to silence him, he came to realise that Britain's foreign policy was being dominated by a cynical aggressive and dangerous policy originating from Washington.

There is a grassroots movement in Britain which is growing. It needs people who can tell the difference between right and wrong, and who are prepared to speak the truth. Ordinary people I suppose. Brian Haw is motivated by Christian beliefs, Craig Murray by a sense of duty and a personal empathy with the victims and family of terrible state crimes.

We can all do it in different ways. Craig has the ability to speak about the victims of torture whilst retaining his composure and using wit and charm. Whether you are interested in travel, the truth behind the war on terror, or even the personal journey of a man who has fallen from grace as an ambassador but who has reinvented himself as a peace activist, his book is a good read.

There is a large demonstration taking place in Manchester on Saturday. Please try to get there if you can.

Lobster Stands Accused

2006-09-15T17:27:00.000+05:45

Lobster Blogster usually wanders around the internet to see if there are any scraps that others might have forgotten. Occasionally he ends up in deep water. Now he stands accused of heinous crimes for his trouble.

Stephen Pollard believes the lobster is deliberately distorting his words over at his eponymous blog. From a lobsterly point of view it appears that the understated journalist applies labels to various groups, then knocks them for it. There must be a name for this particular type of sophistry, but it escapes the lobster for the time being.

Closer to home, a human by the name of Iain Sharpe claims the lobster has falsely accused him of censorship. His blog hadn't been receiving comments for months, and so it was a stray comment by the lobster elsewhere that caused the poor fellow to feign such offence. In reality I expect he was just embarrassed to have his error highlighted by an aquatic creature.

So marine blogging fans, you see it does help when blogging to have a very hard shell. Please let the Red Cross know I'm behind bars, and send a food parcel if you can.